One of my favourite lectures this Ramadan.
It’s been months since I last updated this site, and life, has been pretty hella crazy. I don’t even know where to begin, and the new year barely started. I’m really tired, of this dunya, and all of its calamities. But this is all just temporary, and a test from God, right? He tests the best soldiers with the toughest of plights. Day after day, it’s really a constant struggle, to keep my iman in check and to keep myself sane in this world. But, Allah knows, Allah knows. I’m usually a very positive and optimistic person (hence the blog name), but this post started off on a really sour note, aye? I guess it resonates with my current state of well-being – a sour plum of a person. I’ve been really bothered by the current state of the world, the media frenzies, humanity’s deteriorating state of being, etc. I am also currently nursing a fever by myself, which explains the whole mood of this post, I apologise! But I had to let this out.
But of course, these issues are all not new to the world. It’s just that when you get older you realise that the world wasn’t meant to be easy like you thought it would when you were a kid. Happily ever after is temporary in this dunya, and for some, or most people, it doesn’t exist. But that’s okay. Cause Allah promised that this world will be tough for the believers, and we’ll only attain full, eternal happiness in Jannah. In Shaa Allah.
On the brighter side of the note, I’ve been researching on how Muslims should behave when struck by illness, and it opened up my mind a lot. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this ill, and I was really bedridden and sulking and ranting (on twitter) on all the pain I was going through (or still am). But I remembered that one should not behave in such a manner when one is ill, and something a friend once mentioned just popped in my mind, which prompted me to do some research. You can read up more at http://www.islamreligion.com/articles/2231/
Prophet Muhammad said, “No misfortune or disease befalls a Muslim, no worry or grief or harm or distress – not even a thorn that pricks him – but God will expiate for some of his sins because of that.” [Sahih Muslim]
And Allah mentioned in the Qur’an “So verily, with the hardship, there is relief.” (Quran 94:5)
These two verses left a huge impact on me. Sometimes Allah takes away something dear to you, such as your health, to purify you. And if one follows His guidelines on how to overcome illness, with medication and prayer, one will attain relief better than ever. Being sick and weak makes us realise that we need Allah, as sometimes when we are healthy we may think that we are invincible and tend to forget Him, astaghfirullah. I know I am a sinner, and I believe this is one way for me to find my way back to God. Slowly, but surely. Alhamdulillah for all that Allah has given me, for I know now it’s for a greater good.
There’s a special kind of comfort in being in the state of tawakkal – where you put your trust in Allah. I’ve been so caught up with this world, all my problems, that I forget He is the Ultimate Healer, and the Ultimate Protector. I’ve been so cautious of what other people think of me, that I forget He is the one I need to please the most. I have so much to do to improve my spirituality, I’m so far behind. But I believe seeking knowledge and finding ways to spiritually uplift oneself is a constant effort. In Shaa Allah, despite my crazy worldly schedules, I will make time for Allah, for my religion and for my spiritual upbringing.
The next few months will be crazy, with Internship starting 9 days from now (yikes!). I’ll be interning at the Asian Civilisations Museum, alhamdulillah. I really don’t know what to expect, but I’ll come in with an open mind. This 6 months of Internship will determine whether I’m really cut out for the arts industry, as much as i’m passionate about it. I trust that whatever comes my way, Allah intended for it. Year 2 was hell but it’s crazy how I got through it. And Year 3 is beginning very very soon, which is scary but nonetheless exciting! Whatever happens upon graduation, would be another topic altogether.
On top of that, I have my duties as the President of the Malay Cultural Club in school that I have to handle at the same time. Masya Allah, I believe it was a blessing that people have entrusted me with this role. The only problem is that I’m the one who’s constantly doubting myself, my capabilities. But, I believe I’m here for a reason, to be a beacon of change. May Allah ease MCC’s affairs and may we reach greater heights with a pure purpose of upholding our heritage, In Shaa Allah. May our love for the arts & culture not be compromised.
Well now’s the time to pop in the pills (eergh i hate pills), do some chores (because a girl can never run away from that, right?) and head to bed. May I recover by tomorrow as a busy week awaits!
It’s funny how dreams work. If i’d time I’d actually research about it and it’s relativity to reality but unfortunately I don’t. (Maybe I’ll write another post when I do)
But lately my dreams have got me thinking a lot. I kept dreaming of a person of the past, someone who was once significant, or probably still is, at the back of my mind. My dreams usually do not make sense, but they were still vivid and somehow made sense, about how I feel/felt.
I’ve been keeping myself really busy to rid off thoughts of you, but now you’re creeping into my dreams. And every detail of my feelings and emotions were shown so explicitly in those dreams. It felt so real, like it was a forgotten reality.
I haven’t seen you for months. In reality you’re gone, but in my thoughts you’re still there. Ever-existing and refusing to leave. It’s easier said than done, to forget. As a girl it’s virtually impossible. Every facet of my memories (of you) are still alive in my head, replaying at the back of my mind, subconsciously.
This is ridiculous, but it’s still affecting me in ways I can’t explain. But I have more important things to do.
Till then, assalamu’alaikum.
Ku sangkakan panas berpanjangan
Rupanya gerimis, rupanya gerimis mengundang
Dalam tak sedar ku kebasahan
Pernah juga kau pinta perpisahan
Aku sangkakan itu hanyalah gurauan
Nyata kau serius dalam senyuman
Bukan sekejap denganmu
Bukan mainan hasratku
Engkau pun tahu niatku
Tulus dan suci
Senang benar kau ucapkan
Kau anggap itu suratan
Sikit pun riak wajahmu
Hanya aku separuh nyawa
Menahan sebak di dada
Sedangkan kau bersahaja
Berlalu tanpa kata
Terasa diri amat terhina
Sia-sia ku korban selama ini
Jika kasihku, jika hatiku kau guris
Dalam tak sedar ku menangis
I thought the heat would go on forever
But then came the drizzle
And it washed me over
You once said you’d leave
And I thought you were joking
But behind that smile was the truth, unfolding
It wasn’t a short while with you
Not once did I ever play with your feelings
You knew my intentions were pure
But still you said it so easily
How you blamed it on fate
With was no signs of remorse
In your face
You left me, half alive
Holding back my tears
As you walked away
With nothing to say
I felt so insulted
All my sacrifices had gone to waste
Cause you left my heart and soul out of place
And without realising, tears rolled down my face
This song speaks to me so much, I can’t even describe the overwhelming feels it gives me. (Despite my pathetic attempt at trying to translate it hahaha)
Maybe one day I’ll find you, and we can build our dreams together.
But for now, I’ll build my own.Create my own memories that I can one day share with you.
I’ll discover new places and meet new people. Travel and eat new food. Fall and pick myself up. Learn how to cook and sew and decorate my own abode. Bring myself closer to God. Create a life that is ready to be shared with someone worth letting in.
And one day i’ll share with you all my experiences, good or bad. I’ll uncover all the little secrets and stories, all the battle scars I’ve hidden from the world. Cause then I’d be sure I have someone to share the life that I have created for myself. Then I’ll be ready to bring you into my little world.
Where we can recreate those memories, or define our own. Till then, my love, I’ll be alone. And patiently waiting for the day that I finally meet you.
And we’ll be an eternal union, destined for bigger things, together. Destined for Jannah, Insya Allah.
Till then, assalamu’alaikum.
One of the most remarkable things have happened to me during my YEP (Youth Expedition Project) trip to Myanmar from the 22nd March to 4th April. I’d dedicate another blog post to that. But as a teaser, here’s some videos made by my friend Katie, which beautifully depicted the 14 days with so much emotions.
Long live the walls that crashed through, I had the time of my life with you.
I will forever remember you, Myanmar. Your beautiful country and it’s people.